She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory