Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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