Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.