At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears