Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.