im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
