please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize