I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
