the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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