maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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