I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
