My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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