I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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