Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
