it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
