party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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