So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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