My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
