I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
