dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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