just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
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Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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