Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize