i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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