Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
