just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
