Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
