she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
