The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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