Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
