apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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