I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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