booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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