I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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