I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
