I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
