I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
