barbara walters just said penis...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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