i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
