So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
