Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
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Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
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I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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