Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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