i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
