I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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