Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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