Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
