The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
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Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am