somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.