toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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