I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
