my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
