He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
