My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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