he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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