you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
