Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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