4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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