this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So here I am, sexting at work.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
