My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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