right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
