I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I AM VODKA MAN
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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