Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize