I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
